The Insidious War on Courtesy
It was twelve years ago that the insidious war on courtesy first crept into my consciousness. I’m now seeing it in our personal and business lives.
Canada’s Globe & Mail had published a great piece (The Importance of Being Courteous – July 17, 2014) on the pivotal role courtesy plays in people’s success. It centred on a graduation speech at a private girls’ school by Kate Reardon, now editor-in-chief of Times Luxx magazine.
In the speech, she made the point that good manners were at least as important, if not more important, than good grades. These comments were instantly taken to task, with one prominent blogger referring to them as “sexist crap.”
Not "Sexist Crap"
For the record, I believe that Reardon was absolutely correct. When you study highly successful people, it doesn’t take long to see that knowledge, skill and good fortune are only part of their success story. The other part – and sometimes the larger part – is the ability to connect with and engage the people around you.
In my career, I’ve had the honour of working with hundreds of tremendously successful people – running some of the world’s most impressive organizations. I can state unequivocally that not one has fit the twisted model of loud, disrespectful narcissists that today’s media and “reality” television glorifies. To the contrary, I’ve found the ones who have reached the pinnacle of their industries to inevitably be kind and thoughtful in their words and actions.
Do jerks in leadership exist? Of course they do. Bosses from Hell are everywhere. But it is rare they make it to the top echelons of business.
Courtesy is now actively being shunned
Twelve years ago, the Globe article pointed out that courtesy and etiquette were largely absent from the education system. Little did the writer know that the pendulum would continue to swing so far that these concepts are now actively being shunned. Common terms of respect have become targets for ridicule and even anger. Here are just a few of the many that have been surfacing recently:
"You're Welcome"
Say the equivalent of “thank you” to anyone in the world, and there’s a good chance they will respond with the equivalent of “You’re welcome.” The actual phrase in English became common in the early 1900s, meaning “You may have this freely” or “I’m glad to give this.”
It is an expression of respect and kindness, but there are now people suggesting we should avoid it, bizarrely twisting its intent into something nefarious.
Holding doors open
The practice of holding doors open for other people has been around for a long time as a “putting you before me,” or “you are important” gesture of respect. (The specific practice of “men holding doors for women” is thought to have its roots in the mid 1800’s crinoline/hoop-skirt era when doorways became physically awkward).
Some people are now dismissing the kindness aspect of the action, and suggesting instead that it should be shunned. It can create a situation where someone feels the need to hurry, some say. Others profess that the intent of doing something nice for someone else is somehow twisted into a passive-aggressive power grab.
Staying silent
One universal demonstration of respect is the simple practice of remaining silent when others are speaking or making presentations. But attend any event, and it is instantly apparent that many no longer believe this applies.
Interruptions are pervasive in political debates and talk shows. People have no qualms talking through movies, plays and ceremonies. I recently watched a woman standing in the middle of a mostly-seated audience, loudly relating details of her vacation. The event was a local Boys & Girls Club fundraiser, and it was during a heartfelt presentation by two 13-year-olds on how the club had changed their lives.
Here's a great question to ask yourself
The old saying, “The only constant in life is change” is true, and I’ve lived long enough to know it applies to everything – including social practices, values and norms. Because of this, it’s not uncommon to experience the occasional ‘should I or shouldn’t I?’ uncertainty.
“Should I shake this person’s hand?”, “Should I hold the door open for this person behind me?”, “Should I offer my seat on the bus?”
When in doubt, ask yourself this simple question, “Am I trying to be courteous, respectful or kind?” If the answer is yes, that’s all that really matters.
